Greater Cincinnati has a TON to offer for the Halloween season for those of all ages. However, if you’re looking for a fun date night, moms night out, or spooky adventure with the bigger kids… Land of Illusion Scream Park is THE place to be. Depending on where you live around Cincy, it could be a half hour drive or an hour drive. For us, it was just under an hour – and well worth it. The hubby stayed behind (we’re going back for a date night later just the two of us), so I packed four teenage girls in the car and we filled the time on the road with sounds of laughter and singing at full voice to Rihanna and Bruno Mars!!!
Not only is Land of Illusion the best scream park near Cincinnati, it is the best scream park ever. Rated the USA’s #1 Haunted Scream park, they promised to deliver terror like never before. We prepared ourselves for the most spine-chilling experience of our lives with their nightmarish attractions that we heard would leave us “quaking in our boots”. Land of Illusion’s haunted houses, filled with twisted corridors and horrifying creatures, have you questioning reality and fearing every shadow. And, the haunted trails, now more sinister and disorienting than in years past, plunge you into a world where your worst nightmares come alive.
When their team reached out to invite us to a special VIP experience for a review of the haunted scream park, I jumped at the chance. We have ALWAYS wanted to go to Land of Illusion and had just been waiting for our daughter to get a little older. The stars had aligned, and off we went for a night of terror! One of Ady’s best friends told us her parents had first met at Land of Illusion, and she had never been able to go before. We HAD to bring her along.
I had just taken the girls to another famous Cincinnati haunt the weekend before, and the lines were sooooo long… we only got to do two attractions the whole night and had to walk over 15 minutes to and from where we parked the car. It was fun, don’t get me wrong, but I was given the “Coolest Mom Ever” award as soon as the girls found out we’d be VIPs for this next haunted house experience. We were also super excited to see they had the same pair of giant skeletons as the place the weekend before, so we got to recreate our poses for more of our Halloween memories this year!
We got to park in the employee lot and be greeted by their owners and social media team before being given our Fast Pass wristbands and escorted right into the scream park. It was Killer Klown Invasion Weekend (they do special events all season long), so there were creepy clowns running around everywhere. The girls immediately bonded with this one amazing scare actor, and she stayed with us for the first two haunts. Gina from their team took us straight to the front of the line for the first three most popular haunts (there are six in total!) and gave the managers of each a heads-up that we’d be getting some quick pictures and videos for social media while we went through.
There are NO phones allowed in the attractions, and their staff is well-trained at staying in character while catching people trying to take pictures or videos. “Put it away… put it away…” in deep, raspy, haunted tones will come rushing towards you if you don’t follow the rules! Since it was impossible to let every single scare actor know who we were and what we were there for, we had to let a couple of them know we had special permission and all was well. Just make sure you remember to keep those phones put away and immerse yourself fully in the experience when you go. 😉
A few other tips – bags are not allowed, you can’t bring food in unless it’s for a medical necessity, and most of the food is cash only. They do have ATMs, but it’s smart to have some cash on hand when you go anyway. On the topic of food, they have food and drinks (and a bar!) open all the way until the park closes at 1am. This has got to be one of the best things ever. At 11 o’clock at night and halfway through the attractions, the girls were thirsty and wanted some food. It was really affordable. We got some bottled drinks, a couple snow cones, a pizza, hot dog, and hot chocolate all for right about $50 between the five of us. We sat around a huge roaring fire and basked in the joys of a Fall night before heading to the last three haunts.
Slightly less fun and glamorous than the food and fire, I do want to mention their bathrooms and first aid station. The entrance to the bathrooms have creepy lettering to keep everything on theme, but moms can really appreciate this part – the bathrooms are clean, and the stalls are plentiful and spacious. From a mama’s perspective, this is all a huge win. And after dealing with my claustrophobia in Killer Klowns and Phobia, NOT feeling claustrophobic in the bathroom was great! 🤣
On a related side note, we realized how dusty our shoes were during our last bathroom break before we headed out and wiped them down as best we could with wet paper towels. I made the mistake of wearing new white shoes and definitely shouldn’t have! It’s dark out, and you’re on a lot of dirt paths, so wear shoes you don’t mind dusting up a bit. Also, some of the trails and haunts get very physical, and you need appropriate footwear to keep your footing as best you can.
If you’re really brave and volunteer to go at the front of your group, you’re going to get the brunt of the jump scares! During the Middletown Haunted Trail when the first (of many) chainsaws came roaring at us from around a corner, the teen that went first tripped and fell and then the other three girls fell over her. Gina that escorted us was laughing so hard with me as we watched lights flashing in the dark over a heap of girls on the ground in front of us. Don’t worry, everyone was fine; there was just one scraped knee, and it made for the best memory. There was some more falling in a couple of the other haunts amidst the screams and laughter, and we knew that first aid station was available if anyone really needed it.
We did survive all six award-winning haunted attractions (recommended order – Middletown Haunted Trail, Toxic Hillbillies, Phobia, Killer Klowns, Dr Psychos, and Temple of Terror). The haunted trail is epically long, and they are relentless with those chainsaws! You will get lost multiple times in Toxic Hillbillies if it’s not very busy, but at least the scare actors come and whisper over your shoulder, “Your’e going the wrong way….” to help you get back on track. Temple of Terror was aesthetically great, because I love anything that reminds me of the Mummy movies, but it was definitely the least scary of the six.
As much as I hate clowns, we all loved Killer Klowns. I was in the back half of the group with two of the girls (thinking we were safe from the surprises), but we learned quickly to assume that everything could be real in Land of Illusion! What we thought was a prop on the ceiling actually started running towards us above our heads – we ran screaming for the two other girls ahead of us!!! Killer Klowns and Phobia really got me with my claustrophobia – I had to remind myself it was all an illusion and I wasn’t really going to be suffocated and trapped forever. I was impressed – highly impressed – at everything. They give absolute and complete attention to every little detail.
The girls all gave Land of Illusion a resounding 10/10 when the night was done and said they’d love to come back and do it all again. I would have to agree. Despite some melodrama and feigning that they thought they were going to die after a couple of the scariest haunts, they really did love it all. If you are a fan of the Halloween season as much as we are, this is something you do not want to miss.
Save money when ordering tickets online. Also, an all-access pass gets you access to all six haunts for around just $10 a haunt. We highly recommend getting fast passes if you’re doing the all-access pass already; it saves a ton of time, especially in the busiest haunts. Land of Illusion may be nationally known for their Haunted Scream Park, but you can enjoy all they have to offer throughout the year – Christmas Glow is November 27 – December 30, and their Aqua Adventures Waterpark is open select days through Labor Day. They have season pass options to save you money year round as well.
Land of Illusion Haunted Scream Park
Open Fridays & Saturdays 9/6/24 – 11/2/24 Rain or Shine 7pm-1am
8762 Thomas Road
Middletown, OH 45042
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