The other day I was chatting with my best friend, who is single without children, about an upcoming trip I’m going to take. My daughters and I will be spending a couple weeks at my parents’ house in Vermont while my husband is in Tanzania. While there, I’m hoping to take the train into New York to see a friend from high school.
I’m explaining to the aforementioned best friend how I can’t wait to be in the city, eat good food, and soak up time with a dear friend. But one of the more surprising things I was looking forward to was the train ride in and out of the city. She responded with an inquisitive look.
I explained that when you’re a mom it is so rare to have a chunk of time that’s solely yours…
that you don’t have to do chores or errands. That you don’t have to feel guilty about not doing said chores or errands because you’re not able to. She responded with a look of concern and pity, “That’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard. Do you need me to watch the girls for you more?!”
I love my girls. I love my life. I also love the idea of drinking a coffee and reading a book uninterrupted while wearing grown-up clothes that don’t have crusted playdough and apple sauce on them.
The decision to stay home with our kids was mine. While my husband would have supported me had I wanted to go back to work, ultimately it was a decision we made together that we both feel strongly about. Though, I will say I’m still working through feeling outwardly secure in owning that identity and not adding disclaimers after it when I tell people what I do.
My husband asked me the other day what I’d do for me if I had two free hours. If I couldn’t do chores or errands, if I was in the above-mentioned train ride situation. This was a harder question than I thought it’d be. This scenario comes up so infrequently that I don’t spend much energy or brain space thinking about it. The more I reflected on this question, the more I realized how my love languages have changed, how my needs have changed, how my dreams have changed.
To help process all of this, I made a birthday journal this year to commemorate my 30th birthday that I intend to write in yearly. I made a list of questions with my current answers to document who I am. I asked what scares me, inspires me, what music I’m listening to, what I’m struggling with, what my ideal day would be, etc.
As I’m relearning myself I want to remember the person I was.
And perhaps even more importantly, I want to get to the bottom of who I am now.
The question, “What would your ideal day be?” scared me because my first thought didn’t include my kids. Then I thought deeper about it and realized at the end of great “adult days” I’ve had, I’m so very excited and ready to rush home and see my girls at the end of them. When I think about some other great days I’ve had that have included my husband and my girls, I realize those are days I’m not left wanting. I’m not saying, “That was fun, but let’s get home now”.
So as it turns out, I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing.
Living the exact life I want to be, despite distractions and thoughts of the contrary. I am someone who loves being a mom and also loves alone time. And that’s more than okay, it’s great!
As the young folks say, I’m living my best life now. Are you?
