“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” – George Eliot
I was talking about marriage with a dear friend recently and how the gift of celebrating being a safe person is not merely in the outcome but that it is cultivated through the deep, stretching strides in the progress steps to get there. It’s messy, complicated and takes a ton of time to land in that circle of trust together, but that hard work is worth the freedom received from sifting through authenticity time and again. It’s a maintenance road as you keep your eyes forward and continue to show up to the conversation.
My husband and I have walked many chapters together within our decades of marriage covenant, but I do believe that this one being written may just be the one I will go back to for years to come. It’s not always tidied up with a pretty bow, but it’s honest, raw, and builds a safety that we’ve worked years to know.
There are many layers in this chapter that are unknown, unseen, and tedious, and yet, it’s breathing in a faith, a trust, a connection that grants a respite of being at home.
We’ve walked seasons where being approachable with speaking what’s hard was difficult to do and others where being on the same page felt like being in two different stories.
Yet, the progress steps continued and although we began this year in car accident trauma, full of a need for healing and recovery, I remember the day I reached out for his hand on a difficult, tear-stained day, and he looked at me and said, “Same team, let’s go.”
Being a safe person to another never comes without intentional effort to keep on reaching out and leaning in as you show up to repair time and again.
Life is full of its rupture moments, but it’s how you learn to repair where you will find your deepest connections.
You let the other say their truth as you give space to listen with the intent to understand.
You give your heart room to vulnerably share with the intent to connect.
You become approachable to one another with grace leading the way.
You learn how to own your emotional responses to one another as you attune to your needs and tenderly share, instead of unloading, how you can best support one another in those.
If you are struggling to know who your safe person is, take time to listen to yourself to hear what you need and that trust of self will guide you to where you can put in the relational investment to gain that trust with another also. Taking time to cultivate who that safe person/people are for you is worth the journey because to know a healthy space of being seen, heard, and valued matters.
