Are We Too Attached to Our Kids?

When I was younger, my parents were part of a neighborhood monthly dinner club. Each month they chose a theme (Italian, Mediterranean, Chinese, even Murder Mystery) and took turns hosting the dinner. The host was responsible for the main dish and the guests were assigned sides, desserts, etc… I remember thinking it all seemed so grown up and eloquent. When it was my parents turn to host, I would spy on the grown ups, all looking pretty and chatting joyfully. I dreamed about the day when I could be part of something similar. It felt so special being able to glimpse something that I felt surely was part of the elite-ness of being a grown up.

I didn’t get to witness all of these events of course, because on the nights that my parents went to the others’ houses, we had a babysitter. This was equally as exciting as we had some really awesome babysitters. Jackie from up the street was one of my favorites, although there were others, including cousins who would launch rubber band wars in the basement (not naming any names here). I loved watching my mom get dressed for the evening and waiting impatiently for the fun that was sure to be had once the semi-adult arrived and had nothing to do but pay attention to me!

Fast forward to now. I am said grown-up. I have kids. But, a fun monthly dinner club… that I do not have. You know what else I don’t have? A go-to list of teenage babysitters or nights out sans kids in general. Something that I will admit, does sadden me.

“So, get a sitter!” you say. “Start a dinner club.” “Make it happen!”

Hmmm… it is more complicated than that unfortunately. I am finding that there are several things at play, making my dreams of a truly adult social life a bit of a pipe dream.

For one, there is the issue of childcare. People don’t use sitters in the same way these days. Grandparents (bless those grandparents) are often the go to child care for families. And if you are like me, those grandparents help you out for the “needs” such as work or appointments that are not kid friendly, so you hate to ask them to also help with the “wants”. And the teenagers that do live in my neighborhood? They are crazy busy! They have extra-curriculars and social lives. They have access to things I just didn’t when I was in high school and in my experience, just aren’t as available.

But the bigger picture that I see is this… parents just don’t often do things without their kids. Maybe this is only my group of friends, but if Facebook is any indication, it’s not. Date nights seems to be extremely rare for today’s parents, never mind a monthly planned event like my parents had. Where it once appeared to be a normal expectation that you would get together with grown-ups without the kids in tow… today’s society is more focused on play dates and family excursions. And this isn’t a horrible thing. I know this is the case for me and my husband. When we are both off of work on the same day, we want to be a family of four because it’s so rare that we are all together. But, this priority does come at the sacrifice of couple-dom and even general adult friendship-dom.

Then there is the guilt. Am I the only crazy one who experiences this? I should be giving my free time to my kids, right? I work outside the home and run this blog in addition, which takes even more attention away from kids. So, I feel like I do owe them as much of my presence as I can give outside of that. And quite frankly, I enjoy them. I LOVE exploring this city with my kids. But, I will never understand why when I do get that rare night out with my husband or friends, I start feeling the guilt immediately. It’s ridiculous really.

And then there are the babies. Breastfeeding, baby wearing, attachment parenting. I have no judgement here other than to say that these societal hot topics all reinforce the idea that moms shouldn’t (and often can’t) be away from their little ones. We have entered some weird world where it is unacceptable for a mother to part from her baby. I know people who won’t even leave all of their children home with their father because it’s “too much” to ask. Don’t even think about leaving them with a sitter, that is unheard of! I am pretty sure I had sitters starting at the baby age, but now-a-days, it seems that even if a sitter is found for the older kids, the baby still comes along. I have to say that even if they are cute and snuggled into a wrap… it is still not a night away from the kids with the baby in tow. Even if its not your kid.

Now don’t get me wrong… I love kids. I especially love my kids. I also love the whole family get-togethers that sprinkle the summer and make it easier for all of us to have some social time and build memories. But, I do have to wonder if we are growing into a society that is too attached to our kids. A society that undervalues dedicated grown up socialization opportunities. I can’t help feeling like there has to be a better balance. My parents figured it out. Why is it so much harder for me? I am not sure I will ever figure out the answer to that question.

And none of this changes the fact that I still long for that elusive monthly dinner club. Murder mystery night anyone?