So it’s post-holidays, which in my house means two things: 1) Finally had a chance to clean for the first time in three months and 2) I’m exhausted. When it came to this month’s blog, I was a bit tapped out on creativity so I turned to my 8-year-old for inspiration. I explained that I had a writing deadline and I needed some ideas.
I asked him what he has been talking about in school lately, hoping to find some juicy topics or at least some childish banter that would muster inspiration but this is what I got – “I don’t know, mom. Really we just talk about friends.” What better way to start the new year than by taking a closer look into the meaning of friendships in early development and how we as parents can best nurture these important relationships? Thanks, Jackson.
It’s common knowledge that human beings are social creatures.
Typically, our first relationship is the one we form with our parents, from whom we learn connectedness, protection, and affection. According to Kids First, children first start developing friendships around the age of 3. At this age, children are limited in their empathy and may mistake a different opinion as “they don’t want to be my friend anymore.” By the age of 6, most children have developed the ability to see a friendship as long-term and the value of friendship extends beyond their current activity.
They begin to understand the significance of being kind, though they don’t yet entirely grasp the importance of well-balanced give and take. Between the ages of 7 and 12, children focus predominantly on balance. At this stage, kiddos better understand complex rules so they are likely to incorporate this into their socialization. What it means to be a “good friend” can be quite rigid and may even be used as a bargaining tool. In very early adolescence through puberty, children become less concerned about what is “fair” and more focused on genuine intimacy. Friendships are then able to mature into a mutually shared sense of closeness. Friends are no longer selected by proximity, they are chosen through mutual interests and values. It is during this phase that children learn to trust and, in turn, learn the hurt of betrayal.
It is no surprise that studies have repeatedly found links between friendships and our ability to overcome hardship.
Children who are well-adjusted are more likely to attract other well-adjusted individuals. Children can learn from one another different ways to cope with stressful situations, which promotes resilience. What is lesser known is that these early social skills can impact self-adjustment over their entire life span! Individuals without any friends, particularly individuals who are rejected or bullied by their peers, are at significant risk for a variety of socio-emotional difficulties, such as loneliness, depression, and anxiety. Friends can protect each other and provide support for each other against victimization from other peers.
If you do have concerns about your child’s social development, there are some great resources at your fingertips. Here are some great tips on how to encourage healthy friendships with your child. It also doesn’t hurt to ask a teacher. Adolescents are notoriously good at exhibiting different behavior at school than they do at home. If there is a discrepancy, that, too, is good information. Try to encourage extracurricular activities; extracurriculars improve academic performance, increase self-esteem, promote socialization and teamwork, and may bolster career interests.
Something I learned in my research that I had never before considered was the difference between having friends and being popular. There is no clear research that shows that being popular leads to a healthy sense of self. Instead, self-worth and healthy self-adjustment are related only to the child’s ability to have close, meaningful friendships. Think quality rather than quantity.
So you need not worry if your child has only a few close friends. That can actually be a really good sign. If you think about it, as we mature, we are more likely to select a few close friends rather than focus on the number of friends. If your child happily limits the number of close friends, it might be a sign of maturity and confidence. What’s most important is that we as parents demonstrate in our own behaviors what it means to be a good friend, in our actions and our words. By showing our children the importance of honesty, humor, trustworthiness, kindness, and charity, we are much more likely to raise the children that everyone wants at their lunch table.
