My Letter to the Baby I Will Never Have

Dear Sweet Baby,

I have always loved kids and envisioned my future with several of my own to raise.  Many things beyond my control ultimately impacted that dream: a later marriage, infertility, miscarriage, my own age, and yes, even finances.  People say there is never a good time to have children and that is true.  You can’t wait for the timing and life to be perfect.  But, some things simply can’t be overcome and my reality is that I don’t really have a choice in the matter any more.  I am forever grateful for the two children I have been blessed with, but I also think there is a part of me that will always mourn the fact that the decision about whether to have any more children was essentially taken away from me.  I find myself thinking about you, the baby I will never have, and I have so much I want to say to you.

I loved pregnancy.  I dream some days of the special time we would have shared.  Those first flutters and later the strong kicks and rolls.  The anticipation and the wondering.  The fun that comes with thinking of a name and wondering what type of personality you would develop.  But, most of all… that time which would have been all mine.  Sure, your father and your sisters would have celebrated and been excited with me.  But, no one would have known you the way I would have known you for those nine months.

No one will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

– Unknown

I wanted you.  Even now that I have made some peace with being done having children, my heart still aches at not knowing you. I can’t help but feel like there is a piece of my motherhood destiny that simply was not able to be filled.

You have siblings.  Your sisters are incredible and I wish you could have known them.  They wanted you too.  They love being around babies, holding babies, and making them smile… especially Nora.  You would have been loved and cuddled and carried.  Probably more than you would have liked.  They would have been so proud to show you off to the world.  They would have been fierce protectors and patient teachers.  They would have made sure you were cared for and loved.  You would have been incredibly lucky.

I wish I would have been able to teach you all about life. About how wonderful it is to hike outside in the woods, for example. I would have loved to be able to introduce you to the joys of reading, painting, climbing, tickle fights and so much more. I would have loved seeing your face the first time you put your feet in the ocean. That is still one of my all time favorite memories with both of your sisters.

I wish I could know if you would have been as snugly and outgoing as your sisters. Or would you have been more reserved and introverted like me? There is a lot about who you would have become as a person that I am not sure I will ever stop thinking about. Please know that even though you are (and probably always will be) in my heart, even if I am not able to have you in my arms.

Love, Me