Disclaimer: This post is the perspective of one local parent, however, the American Academy of Pediatrics does not endorse spanking as a form of punishment. You can read their position statement HERE.
Spanking is one of the topics that has recently become taboo in the parenting world. Many people have very strong emotions and beliefs about it and quickly place it into the “abuse” category. Spanking has also gotten relabeled in many circles as “hitting;” and since we teach our children hitting is not okay then we must equally put spanking in that same class. I do not subscribe to this line of reasoning. In fact, I believe that there is and should be a distinction between what we call spanking and what we call hitting. I say this because there are too many children that are hit, I have seen this in my line of work, children who are abused and have been taken advantage of by the adult caretakers in their lives. I believe that these acts are despicable and should not be tolerated. As such I think when spanking gets lumped into the category of “hitting” we are watering down what abuse is and thus missing giving a voice to those children who are not being treated with love. So that I am clearly understood, as I recognize this is a sensitive matter for many, I define spanking as an open-handed slap to the bottom or to the top of the hand.
When I was a child my parents spanked me. I was not spanked often but this form of discipline was reserved for those behaviors which were either unsafe or were deliberately breaking a rule of our household. Spanking was never a form of discipline that was unprovoked. Spanking only occurred because I did something that I was not supposed to. Now, like all children, I cried and pouted that my parents “didn’t love me;” but let’s be honest all children say this at one point or another regardless of what form of discipline you use. Put them in time out, “You don’t love me”… take away the x-box, “you don’t love me”… Ignore them, “you don’t love me.” You see where I’m going with this. I never actually doubted nor actually thought my parents did not love me. In fact, my parent’s loved me and told me they loved me an enormous amount.
Now as a parent myself, I never really questioned whether or not I would spank my daughter. Just as I never really questioned whether I would discipline my daughter.
To me, spanking fell into the category of healthy discipline.
It falls into a bag of discipline techniques that I use as a parent. As an adult and as a loving parent I am able to discern in which moments which technique is appropriate and warranted. I make these decisions because I love my daughter and discipline is part of parenting. As such, I am very intentional and purposeful on the times and reasons when I choose to use spanking as a form of discipline, as I am with any discipline that is done. Here are the basic guidelines that I use:
1. Repeated offenses where my child’s safety is in danger. I believe in natural consequences and lots of times these work on their own. For example, try to balance on a ball, you will most likely fall; run in flip flops you might trip and scrape your knees. Usually, a warning verbal explanation is given and then if the natural consequence occurs that serves to teach my daughter the “cause and effect” of that action. However, there are some safety issues I am not willing to allow for natural consequences to occur if I can help it. When my daughter was around 2 years old, she went through the phase of wanting to run away from us, in fact often she would run towards the road. We obviously could run faster than her and catch her at the time, and we tried initially in 2-year-old words to tell her firmly to not run towards to road. We also had her sit in timeout (which usually actually works very well for my daughter and I will elaborate more on later). Redirection would work sometimes but not consistently. So as her parents, we decided that if our daughter ran from us and did not stop when verbally asked to she would receive a spanking. And she did, we actually only had to spank her 2 or 3 times for this behavior before she connected the dots and stopped running away with just a verbal warning and soon after stopped altogether. The point is this, I am much more okay with my daughter getting a swat on the bottom then risking her being hit by a car the one time I do not catch her in time. The same goes for touching a hot stove, putting things in an outlet. Or like a close a friend of my mine, after seeing her 4-year daughter lean out a second story window without the screen in it.
2. Lying. Now I know that all children lie, they test those boundaries, they make up stories and it’s 100% normal and appropriate development. There is also a difference between a “white lie” or “telling a tale” and straightforward lying. Honesty is something that we value in our family and even when it is hard, it is important to be truthful. When I know that my daughter is lying, I usually give her the opportunity verbally, to tell the truth. I also tell her the reason why I am inclined to think she is not being honest. If the lie continues then she will most likely get spanked.
3. Repeated acts of disobedience after other forms of discipline have been used. As I mentioned above, “time-out” usually works very well for my daughter for most significant behavioral issues. She actually is a kid who wants to do the right thing and she always has been that way. Providing clear verbal expectations generally leads her to make “good” choices. However, there are days with she is just plain defiant. She has ended up in timeout multiple times, has been told multiple times what the expected behavioral expectations are, and we have had multiple conversations discussing how I can help her manage her behaviors and emotions more positively; and still, misbehavior occurs. At this point, spanking is used in our house. It is not a surprise, it is not unexpected. She knows this is what will occur if misbehavior continues to occur.
Spanking is not fun for me, I get no enjoyment from it, I get no sense of power, no sense of “victory.” But I do feel it is necessary at times. I believe I have a daughter who is respectful, kind, empathetic, loving, and well behaved because the option of spanking is in the “bag of discipline” techniques. She is also those things because I keep the value of nurturing just as much as the value of discipline. When any discipline occurs whether it be spanking or otherwise, shortly afterward, I always talk to my daughter and clearly explain why the discipline occurred and that I love her. In fact, when writing this post I decided to nonchalantly interview my 5-year-old daughter on the topic. Here are her responses:
When do you get spanking?
When I do something really bad, like when I am not listening or being really mean to someone.
Does mommy love you?
Yes
Does mommy love you even when you get spankings? How do you know?
Yes. Because you never stop loving me. You just want me to not do not nice things.
Are you allowed to hit people or your friends?
No
Is spanking different than hitting? How so?
Yes. Hitting is when you be mean to someone and push them or hit them in the face. Spanking is only on your bottom and it means just that I am in trouble.
I am not writing this post to try to convince people who do not spank to now choose to spank your children; I trust that you, as their parent, have made your parenting discipline decisions with purposeful thought. What I am asking is that if you are a parent who does not that you yourself do not demonize those parents who do spank. That you do not doubt our love for our children and that we too have purposefully made discipline decisions for our children.
I believe in rare spankings as a method of discipline, after fair warning and when all else has failed.
Spanking becomes a problem when it is over-used and for the slightest deviation from good behavior. This is when it crosses the line into abuse. Obviously when spanking becomes abusive, it is completely out of control. There is a distinction between rare, appropriate physical discipline and abusive violence, and I doubt that any study can finely tune itself to allow for the frequency and severity of spankings to be a consistently applied factor in the results and conclusions drawn. An adult asked about the severity of spankings received as a child will give a necessarily subjective answer. Added to this, child psychologists and therapists often have their biased conclusions constructed prior to going shopping for evidence. So, it’s debatable, how much worth we can put in at least some of these studies. There are simply so many variables involved when it comes to mental health that to pin it all on ‘were you spanked as a child?’ is frankly insulting to the intelligence.
As a possible contradictory caveat, as a kid who was spanked, I would say the worst spankings were probably the ‘calm’ ones, where my father would calmly say ‘now this is for your own good’ after I’d done something wrong perhaps hours before, then proceed to spank me. Those instances seemed to be detrimental and confusing, rather than the in the moment ‘yelling’, exasperated spankings. As a parent I could never see myself doing the calm ones. There is something unnerving and odd about those.
A good bit of common sense – and the predictable hysterical over-reaction from many of your commenters, sadly.
Great article. Thank you.
It is hitting. You cannot wordsmith it.
Spanking is NOT child abuse! I’m tired of these studies saying that spanking is “ineffective” or “reinforcing bad behavior”, but these will happen if overused. It’s OK to spank your child, but don’t overuse it. Do it because you love your child. Don’t forget the mantra “Nobody will ever hurt you except me because I’m your mother/father. It’s my job”.
Great Article! It points out hitting is hitting, and spanking is spanking and there is a difference between them. I was spanked as a child, mostly by my mom. Her spankings were always done in private, over her knee, with her hand and on the seat of my pants. A typical spanking from mom was 10 light to firm spanks, and was not very painful or long lasting. I always knew exactly why I was going to be spanked and know I was only spanked when I did something I needed a spanking for. Looking back all these years later, I still respect my mom for the spankings she gave me, when I needed to be spanked!
Parents are in a better position to determine what method of discipline works best for each of their children. I am all for hearing about alternatives to spanking. Time out, loss of privileges, and simply explaining why some behavior is unacceptable are examples of good alternatives. Having said that, I know from experience that all kids are different. While some respond to those alternatives, others do not. Rarely, parents have to respond to behavior that is way out there. For example, I had a ten year old son that along with some friends chose to destroy property of others. I’m not ashamed to say that he got a spanking with his pants pulled down for doing that. The problem with raising kids is that all of them are different and it can be hard to make broad generalizations. Discipline is unique and must be worked out in each case between parents and children.
My parents have given me occasional spankings. They were always on my bare bottom. I got my last one at age 18. Each time were for serious reasons, so I seldom received them but when I did, I deserved them I feel.
I always felt loved and safe in my home. In the 70s spankings were not uncommon. Many of my friends admitted to receiving them and I guess they were done only on the bare bottom to make the punishment memorable. As a girl, it was more embarrassing to have my father paddle me, but my mother was always there and she would be the one to pull my panties down to bare my bottom for my spanking.
I never spanked my kids though. I guess my youth was the time to have the bottom warming.
Good grief! What is the big deal with spanking kids that do not behave? And yes, even toddlers. That’s when to start correcting them. It’s been said that this is damaging to their future – it messes up their adult hood. This is so laughable. Has anyone against spanking ever wondered why there’s so many kids are doing drugs, stealing, creating uproar in the cities where they live. This is why – they weren’t corrected as kids and think they can do whatever. SO….YES. SPANK!!!!
Please I am a single father of 8 girls ages 4 to 12 and I have to spank them when they are at the point of not caring about what they are doing. So I have to get them to redirect and start caring again. I spank them on the bare bottoms and I don’t overdo it. Spanking the right way is healthy and promotes responsibility respect and manners…. Something most kids don’t have today.