I’m a Pinterest fan. Scratch that-Pinterest addict. “How to make your front porch shanty chic!” Pinned. “Must have shoes for Fall 2015!” Added. “6 ab exercises to loose the mom pooch!” Umm…let’s put that on the “secret” board. So when something popped up on my feed about a “detox cleanse,” I immediately added it to my “Better Bod” ideas board and made a mental note to try it out.
After a particularly indulgent weekend of red wine and smoked gouda dip, I thought, what the heck, let’s give this cleanse a whirl! I’m all about new fitness/diet trends.
This cleanse was a water based drink with only a few ingredients…how hard could it be?
So, I mixed up a LARGE Bubba Keg of water, apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, and cayenne pepper. A lot of cayenne pepper. That drink was bright red. I added a bunch of ice, held my nose, and sucked that bad boy down. Then, I waited.
And…nothing. For like, hours. I figured it must not have worked and kind of forgot about it. Fast forward to late afternoon. I decided to take my son on a long power walk. A few minutes in, we were walking up a hill when my stomach began to cramp. I remember thinking…”that’s weird, I’m not due to get my period any time soon, I wonder why I could have cramps?”
As I continued up the hill, it dawned on me. HOLY CRAP! THE CLEANSE! Like literally, holy crap. Sweet Jesus, my a#@ is going to explode.
Panic ensues. I began to speed walk and clench my cheeks together, beads of sweat pouring down my face. Where could I go?? We approached a shopping center and I quickly searched for a place that might be stroller friendly…OMG! YES. Once Upon a Child. They’ve got to have family restrooms, right?
At this point I should mention that my son is in our jogging stroller, which is long and pointed like a triangle (i.e., not easy to maneuver). I walked into the store as the sweet, perky salesgirl chirped “Anything I can help you with?” Um…yea…the rocket that is about to blast out of me?!?
I muttered something about a restroom, and she pointed me towards the back of the store. I was bobbing and weaving that stroller through the small, crowded aisles like I was Mohammed Ali-praying to GOD that it would be a private bathroom. It was.
This next part I can only compare to the scene from Bridesmaids – you know the one. Except I’m gripping the walls like fiery rockets are shooting out of me and my son is sitting in his stroller, calmly eating goldfish crackers and staring at me. I remember wanting to yell out “look away, look away!!!” like Melissa McCarthy does while perched in the sink. At least I made it to the toilet.
At one point-we’re going on 10-15 minutes of this s*!# show by now – I remember thinking that there was probably a line of angry mommies outside the door, wondering what in God’s name could be taking so long. So what did this mature, responsible adult decide to do? What any loving mom would – blame her child.
“PEEEEEEE EWWWW!!!! You have such a bad stinky! Wow, this is a bad stinky, we have to change your diaper! What a mess!” I called out from my throne of lies. Hey, if it sounds legit, they’ll believe it, right? My sweet, perfect angel of a child was still calmly watching me, munching on his goldfish. Wonder what’s going through his mind. I’ve probably done permanent damage to him at this point, but we can’t worry about that now.
After a few tears (or maybe it was steam? I can’t remember…) I was able to get up and get myself together. Washing my hands and looking at myself in the mirror I thought – you can make it home. You can DO this girl! And if you can’t, well…you’re wearing black shorts with built in undies, it’ll be ok.
I opened the door and to my relief, there was no line of angry mommies – well, maybe there had been, but my guess would be that the sounds and smells coming from inside the bathroom had caused the store to empty out – coast was clear. I tried to make as swift of an exit as I could – but damn that triangle shaped stroller. Mohammed Ali-bob and weave, bob and weave- back through the aisles. “Bye! Come back soon!” calls the chipper sales girl. Yea…no. But thanks though, I’ll just hang my head low and continue my walk of shame.
And walk of shame I did. Fastest walk of shame I’ve ever done in my life. I powered home like I was propelled by an engine – but I made it. Dumped my son in front of a box of Legos and sprinted my way to the bathroom…again.
Satan’s fire water I call it. FIRE. WATER. But if you are in need of a good cleanse (i.e. colon blast), this will do the trick.
You win, Pinterest, you win.
