For much of my life, I was pretty confident in my communication skills. I would say words. Others would nod in understanding, maybe even say words in response that were logical and appropriate.
All of that has changed since living with a bunch of boys (a couple of little boys who are quickly turning into big boys and one…ah hem, adult-sized boy). Now I say words, and if there is any response at all, it usually makes me wonder if the words that came out of my mouth were the same ones I had been thinking in my head. Just as often, the silence makes me wonder if any words actually escaped my lips at all.
I have begun to think of it as my own version of She Said, He Heard. Based on their responses, the boys are obviously not hearing what I said. They are hearing something completely different. Based on their responses, I think I’ve figured out what they hear me saying. At least, if that’s what they hear me say, it explains a lot.
Terrible Two Version
She Said: Don’t pull the dog’s tail.
He Heard: Pull the dog’s ears.
She Said: Don’t put that in your mouth.
He Heard: That is probably really yummy.
She Said: STOP!
He Heard: How fast can you run?
Testy Ten-Year-Old Version
She Said: Please put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
He Heard: Forget fun. There will be no more fun. Ever. Because I am the meanest mom in the entire world.
She Said: Ten more minutes, and then it’s time to turn off the video game and do something else.
He Heard: You should watch a movie. Or look up some Minecraft videos on YouTube.
She Said: No, you can’t have a phone. I know your brother has one, but he’s three years older than you. We will consider it when you are 13.
He Heard: I have always loved your brother more.
Turbulent Teen Version
She Said: WHOA. You need a shower. And a toothbrush. And some deodorant.
He Heard: Pick the cleanest shirt from the collection on your floor and put it on.
She Said: So…I heard there’s dance at the school….Sounds like it will be a good time….Are you thinking about going?
He Heard: Blah, blah, blan…please grunt so I know you’re conscious. And not deaf.
She Said: Do the dishes before you get on the computer.
He Heard: Put the plates in the dishwasher. In case you were wondering (which you probably definitely weren’t), don’t worry about all that food left on them. Just shove them in there without rinsing them. Oh, and leave the glasses, silverware, plastic containers, and pots that need scrubbing right where they are.
Husband Version
She Said: I have a work appointment tonight, but I left some meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, and a salad in the refrigerator for you in the kids. All you have to do is heat it up.
He Heard: I’m going out for drinks with the girls. Why don’t you take the kids to Skyline for dinner?
She Said: Thanks for picking up milk on your way home and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner.
He Heard: You’re getting lucky tonight, BABY!
She Said: I’m going upstairs to lay down for a bit. It’s been a rough day, and I have a splitting headache.
He Heard: Please send the children upstairs to ask me if they need a drink of water, a snack, or help using the bathroom so you can enjoy that beer and video game.
I’m starting to think maybe I need a refresher on those college communication classes. Or maybe I can find a translation dictionary on Amazon? Really, I don’t have any good ideas.
