I was perusing social media recently, and came across a photo of an acquaintance’s wide-eyed, angelic toddler. She hash-tagged it #bff. That was not the first such occurrence I have seen. In fact, lately, I’ve seen quite a few mentions of “my toddler is my bff”. And every time, it causes me to do a double-take.
Now, I am not a stay-at-home parent, but I can see how that “friendship” might develop. You spend more time with your kid than anyone else! Even as a working mom, I think I spend the most time with my son. It’s little wonder – small children require near constant attention. Plus, for a lot of parents, you don’t have them to then avoid spending time with them.
When I am with my toddler, I do talk to him quite a bit. Whether it’s out of necessity (“no”, “not now”, “are you hungry?”, “it’s nap time”) or simply because no one else is around, I don’t know. On a recent trip to Target, I asked my 2-year-old to weigh in on which scent of Old Spice body wash I should buy his daddy. I couldn’t remember which my husband prefers. As if my toddler knows! I don’t think I honestly expected an answer – this is the kid who uses the phrase “gone away” for everything from a closed door (“door gone away”) to daddy leaving him in his crib for a nap (“daddy gone away”). I think it’s kind of like a pet owner talking to an animal, which is not to compare my child to a cat or dog really. But the kid is there, and it builds language skills to talk to them.
I can see how me talking to my toddler is almost like using a secret language of best friends. I am probably the person who understands his jibber jabber the most (probably because I hear it the most!) I think most moms become expert code talkers – “see-oh” means he wants to eat cereal. “Ee-vee-ohnn” means turn on the TV. And “read me” doesn’t mean predict his future. He wants us to sit down with a book.
Plus, I can act as uninhibited around my little one as I want, as I feel I can also do around my closest friends. He doesn’t judge. I don’t think young children generally do. Parents are rock stars in their children’s eyes. My 2-year-old doesn’t care if I belch, pass gas, rant at TV news stories, doze off during “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood”, or order another iced coffee when I haven’t finished my first. It’s like those parties in college where I respected and appreciated that everyone just came as they are. No pretenses, no pretension. (But my memories of some college parties are a little foggy.)
I imagine that being a parent who stays at home or works from home can be quite lonely. It’s isolating. I get tinges of that when I stay at home with my son just three days a week.
He is my little buddy. But would I call him my bff? Nope. Because it’s in those moments, when it’s just he and I, that I am reminded – often in the most brutal ways – that I am his mother, and he is my child. When he is throwing himself on the garage floor and my hands are full of grocery bags. When he is wriggling out of my grasp in a busy parking lot, or kicking as I try to put him in his car seat. Or spitting out the same food he downed like a champ the day before.
Seeing “my toddler is my bff” always reminds me of what a friend’s mom once told us. I think of her as a very wise, thought-provoking woman. She advised us not to marry our best friends. She meant, in part, not to pin all the pressure and expectation of a husband and best friend on the same person. For example, who are you going to complain/brag to if your significant other and best friend are one and the same? So why pin all of those pressures and expectations on your toddler? Who are you going to vent to as a mom about your toddler if your toddler is your bff?
Maybe you have a toddler bff and an adult bff. I guess that’s okay, but it seems like a slippery slope when the child needs some discipline, especially as they get older. I can see too much chumminess coming back to bite a mom as she struggles to command respect during those angsty teenage years. Not to mention possible identity issues that come with crossing into the “friend zone”. (Am I his mom? Or am I more of a friend?)
So maybe I just want these women who are hash-tagging photos of their toddlers #bff to come to my house for a playdate. Bring your child to play with mine. They can share/not share my son’s shopping cart, and we can sip coffee (or I can break open something harder if that’s what you’re into – but I did just get a new Keurig). Let’s reach out as mothers – to other mothers – and remember we’re all in this together.
I like this. I think too often parents seek to be their child’s “friend” because they want to be “liked.” As if just being a mom or a dad isn’t enough or that being a parent equals being mean and distant. Thank you for sharing a good perspective.